I am NOT a mindless eating machine.

Today I read and article that really challenged me. To read the article, click here. I'm not really sure how exactly to put into words what I'm thinking but I don't want to be a mindless eating machine, just filling my life with food and eating. 10% more joy as the Cadbury packet says - what a lie! I don't want to find my life's joy in food, something that is here now and digested and gone within hours. 

I want to find joy in living. In my family. My faith. Through living well and BIG and fun. I don't want to be a slave to this. As someone who has been overweight or obese for most of my adult life, for me it all comes back to food. Instead of feeling like I'm missing out, I'm now simply focused on feeding myself nutritious food that sustains me to live the life that I've been called to. That's what this is about. Yes, it's ok to enjoy food. But to mindlessly shove it in, without a thought, living in constant guilt from the last binge? No thanks.

Now repeat after me: "I am NOT a mindless eating machine! I am a person of worth!" 

And the beautiful thing is, it's a new day tomorrow. And every day.

 

I'm back!

So it's been a pretty tough 6 months when it comes to my weight. Since November I've managed to put back on about 10kg. It's not something I'm happy about, I feel awful and slothful and generally just down on myself. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. This last couple of weeks I've been trying to work through what's happened, why I've reverted back to my old way of thinking and eating. I've narrowed it down to a couple of things, my triggers and thought processes.

1. The 'All or Nothing' principle.
This bad boy is the voice in my head that says, "Oh I've already eating something dodgy today, there's no point in eating well at the next meal, the day is ruined" or "I didn't get out of bed to exercise this morning, and I'm not going to be able to fit it in later, so I'll just eat this chocolate and kick myself while I'm down". 

2. Binge eating & food addiction
I have always eaten my feelings. Having a bad day, feeling stressed, kids driving me crazy, had a fight with the hubby, people at work driving me nuts = LET'S EAT! In the moment, the eating makes me feel better. The secret planning of a binge. Thinking through all the options. Walking through the shop picking out the foods that are sure to make me feel better. Gorging myself and in that moment, I feel better. Fast forward about 5 minutes and I'm back to where I was, having a bad day, but now I've got a stomach full of rubbish food with a side serving of guilt. 

With these 2 triggers, I've managed to hand back the control of my weight to my feelings, which are most unreliable. So it's time to move forward! I'm committing to taking things one meal and workout at a time. If I have a treat, or even a binge, it's not the end of the world. Start afresh at the next meal. Not the next day, or the next Monday, or the next whatever. NEXT MEAL! Secondly, organising my food and eating well comes before exercise. I can generally find time to exercise. I enjoy it. My downfall is my eating. Keep on top of the eating and the rest will follow. Lastly, I need to be kind to myself. My life is busy. It's stressful. I have a husband who deserves to be treated well, who supports me on the journey. I have 3 small people who deserve my gentle mothering, and the best of what I have to give, not the last of what I have to give. I have a job that I love, colleagues that support me. I am so blessed. Above all, the better I eat and the kinder I treat my body, the better I feel. The more energy I have. The better I cope with my crazy life. This is what I need to remember. 

Onwards shall I march. 

Reassess

I have reached a new level of frustration with myself. I hear myself cheering others along on their weightloss/fitness journey, quoting motivational words, and meaning it from the bottom of my heart. But in myself I'm really struggling. I'm struggling with having balance between eating healthy for my life and not just enjoying those foods in moderation. I seem to be in an 'all or nothing' phase and it's really not getting me anywhere. I have been eating what I want, when I want and really feeling apathetic about my health. I feel like rubbish from eating rubbish and if I don't pull myself out of this hole, I fear I may slide very quickly back to where I was. 

I always promised myself that once I got to a healthy weight that I would exercise for life, not for weight loss. I promised myself I would respect my body by eating wholesome, healthy food and only indulging occasionally, enjoy it then move on. Yes I'm maintaining my weight okay, I've been sitting between 67kg & 69kg for the last couple of months but I don't feel all that healthy. I don't feel like my body is operating at the best it could be. 

BUT BUT BUT! You know what's REALLY awesome?! I'm aware. For once in my life I'm aware of what's going on. I'm aware of my processes. I'm aware that I need to act. I'm not blindly eating my way into oblivion. It's not even about guilt. It's about the fact that I deserve better. I deserve to be healthy. I'm more valuable that the rubbish food that I give my body. So that's it. Done. Moving on. Onwards and upwards soldier. Bring on week 4! I'm gonna smash it.   

It's time to reassess my goals. What do I really want from my health? What am I prepared to do to get there? What are the main triggers for eating the foods I shouldn't?

Soul-searching time. Watch this space.

Excuses

I'm currently working my way through the excuses I use to wheedle my way out of exercising and eating well. This has been a valuable exercise for me as more and more these excuses are cropping up in my vocabulary and they need to stop. No more I say!

So here they are.

1. I'm too tired

Solution: Go to bed by 8.30, don't over commit.
2. I don't feel like eating that today.

Solution: Have a few options (particularly for lunch) that you can choose from so that this excuse goes out the window. Have options for a hot meal, a wrap, something to put on toast or ingredients to whip up a smoothie in the TMX.
3. I've come far enough, I don't really need to do anymore

Solution: You've already gone backwards since finishing last time by putting back on 5kg. You feel yuck from the yucky food, you feel yuck from not exercising and you're not liking what you see in the mirror. Stop saying you don't need to keep going when clearly easing off the pedal is not doing anything for you.
4. I'm not motivated

Solution: How many times have you said to others that it's not about motivation, it's about making a choice? Make the choice to get out of bed, get on the treadmill, do a DVD ANYWAY, even if you don't feel like it.
5. I've failed at maintaining and fallen off the wagon.

Solution: You have not failed if you're sitting here working through these excuses. This is just another phase in your journey. You're discovering more about yourself and it's ok that you've taken a couple of backwards steps, as long as you start moving forward again. You have got this.
6. You've earned it (dodgy food, slacking off etc)

Solution: You have not 'earned' the right to eat food low in nutritional value when you have exercised. You have merely treated your body well by getting moving. Reward your body with a good food and a big glass of water. You'll feel better for it and not yucky and like a sloth.
7. I'm too busy.
Solution: Everyone is busy. Be super organised, pre plan where possible and schedule in your exercise.
8. The kids wake up too early so I can't exercise.
Solution: Get up and go on the treadmill downstairs or go down and do a DVD. Take Levi with you and put him in the portacot with some toys.
9. I can't pick the kids up from kindy then leave them to go and exercise after being away from them all day.
Solution: Get Toby to pick the kids up, go to Spartan at 4.30 pm and you'll be home just after them anyway.
10. I haven't taken any meat out of the freezer for dinner.
 Solution: Make a quick lentil base 'meat' and have nachos or spaghetti. Whip up a quick beetroot salad or coleslaw.
11. My day is too busy so just stop for takeaway for lunch.
 Solution: Buy a cooler bag and take your lunch with you in the car, no matter if you think you'll make it back to the office or not. Your day is very unpredictable so minimise the chance that you'll be stuck without food and being forced to make decisions when you're hungry. Always keep a muesli bar in your handbag for emergencies. Drink lots of water.

I am worth making the effort for. I am allowed to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am stronger than I think. 

Bring on Round 3!

As many of you know, I signed up to Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation in late December this year for Round 1. I just need to say from the outset that I love this program. I love that it spells everything out so clearly. I love that I now understand a lot more about my body, what it needs by way of nutrition and exercise but most of all I LOVE that I know have a community of people that I can tap into for motivation, inspiration, support and a kick in the pants when I need it! I am constantly amazed by the level of support that the crew offer one another, whether it be on the forums and for me here in Townsville it's the 12wbt Townsville Crew. We have the most AMAZING team of people up here. We do regular training together, support one another and share how we are doing and when we have 'failed'. This group of people have picked me up time and time again.

I went solo during Round 2 and I'll be honest, I really struggled. I did manage to lose a couple of kilograms and was very pleased to get well into my healthy weight range, however my mental battles were really tough! I struggled big time with food and my addiction to it. There was not enough moderation and too much binging. I was super frustrated with myself and felt myself sinking back into a hole. 

So this brings me to Round 3. There really was no question of 'if' I was going to sign up for this round. I'm in. 100%. I still have many lessons to learn. I still have so much to learn about myself, my habits, my weaknesses, my strengths, my passions and my desire to learn new things. I commit to utilising the 12wbt page, watching the mindset lessons, using the forums, accessed the 12wbt Townsville Crew Facebook page. I WILL say when I'm struggling and reach out for help. I WILL blog and motivate myself to keep going. I will 'just do it' even when I don't feel like it. I'm in this, long haul, life long. I want my health, vitality and that of my family to be top notch so that we can enjoy a long and happy life together. Who's with me?!

10k Townsville Airport Classic

Today was the day! The 10k Townsville Airport Classic in the Townsville Running Festival. I woke up with a really sore knee and was the nerves were well and truly kicking in! I've barely done any training this past 2-3 weeks, let alone much running. I really didn't know how I was going to go but I kept telling myself that I had to give it a shot. I figured if worst came to worst, I'd be able to walk if I really needed to.

I arrived nice and early, and saw all the half-marathon people set off on their 21k run. It was such a beautiful day, quite chilly at 10 degrees. We were marshaled to the starting area and all of a sudden, we were off! I was determined to run as much as I could. I got through the first 3k and found a good rhythm. The kilometre leading up to the turn around point was the hardest mentally. It felt like forever to get there. Once I got onto the esplanade of the Strand and past the final drink table, I was fired up.

 With about 2.5km to go, I glanced down at my watch and was stunned to see that I had 14 minutes left to complete the last leg and that my chances of finishing under and hour were looking good. My previous best time was 1:06:28 so to cut 7 minutes off would be a HUGE achievement. I got the last 300m and really dug deep. I picked up my pace and set off at a sprint, passing a number of people as I went. It really was exhilarating! I crossed the finish line, was handed my medal and it was over! My time was 58:27!!! Absolutely thrilled. It just goes to show what's possible when you put your mind to it!

Bring on the half marathon next year!!!

Week of all weeks!

What an absolutely incredible week this has been. It's hard to know where to start. About 2 weeks ago, I entered a pram competition to win an awesome Baby Jogger. This pram would make life so much easier and enable me to run early in the morning with my little early bird Levi! It's been really tough getting out in the mornings to go to Spartan cos he's been waking so early and I've really missed it. Anyway, a pram would be fantastic as I could just go for a run with him instead. So fast forward to Wednesday this week. The rules of the pram competition were changed, with good reason so that it would be drawn at random. A number of my friends entered as well, to increase my chances of winning this pram. So yesterday, my lovely friend Dani won!! I was so excited! What a blessing this will be. 

But that's not the best part of the story.I got home from work on Wednesday to a brand new slow cooker sitting on my doorstep. I had dropped ours last week and I was devastated as I use it several times a week. Toby's cousin had contacted him and said that she has ordered and paid for a new one from a local store and arranged for him to pick it up. Another HUGE blessing! 

An hour later, I was doing the dishes and Toby started filming me. I had no idea what he was doing and kept asking him to turn it off. He asked me to come and have a look at something on the computer. I sat down in the chair and my Facebook page was open, with a group page up called 'Christy Marhin is Inspirational'. This image was up on the screen:

A group of over 70 of my friends had created this group to raise money to buy me a pram in the event that I didn't win the Baby Jogger! I was absolutely FLOORED! Toby filmed my reaction and uploaded the video to the page for everyone to watch. What an incredibly selfless gift! 

Here's the video link if you'd like to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIG8R5qmhoE&feature=player_embedded

These were the messages of love from my friends to me from the Facebook page:

"Christy, you are an absolute inspiration. the amount of times ive done the "ive had a rough night.. i deserve to sit there and eat half a jar of nutella.. " conversation in my head and thought to myself, but what about christy!! she would walk herself up a huge hill and back at 4:30 in the morning with a baby on her back instead! not wallow in what would be the fourth jar of nutella this month! You are the voice of reason in my head, you are the person who makes me second think that trip to the pantry. Well done christy! you deserve every little bit of positivity and reward that comes your way!" 

"Hey gorgeous hot mama! You are simply everything I wished I had the balls to be. It's been wonderful seeing the real you emerge and I really look forward to watching you blossom even more. Enjoy that gorgeous new body xxxx"

"Christy, you are such a beautiful, strong woman. You truly are an inspiration to me as I begin my weightloss journey. Love you lots! ♥" 

"Hi christy *waves* you are an inspiration! Enjoy spoiling yourself xx"

"Christy - you are truly inspirational to every single woman and mother who knows you. You've taken every negative excuse and channelled it into amazing results. I'm absolutely proud to call you family :-)"

"What an amazing weight loss journey you have travelled, that's made so much harder by having kids but you have managed to transform yourself anyway ! Well done and enjoy!"
  
"Congratulations on this amazing journey you have been on! You have a great hubby and a beautiful family so you are truly blessed. Enjoy xxx"

"Christy you have been on (and are still on) an amazing journey in the hope to find a fitter, healthier & stronger you, and you know what?? You've done it! And you have been such a huge inspiration to so many people on the way! Hell, you even made me get off my butt and sign up for round 2 of the 12wbt, and for that, I thank you xx keep at it Hun!"

"Christy, you are amazing!!"

"I am constantly amazed at your dedication, strength and willpower. You are my fitness hero!"

"♥ Christy ♥ The picture says it all. You are one of the most beautiful, inspiring, strong and amazing people I know. Your weight loss journey, your life, your beautiful family and beautiful friends reflects just how special you are. xoxo You are such an awesome role model for your kids - you rock my world! :) xx"

"Christy, You were an inspiring woman back when I first met you, But you have blown me away by what you have achieved in a very short 6 months. Keep up the great work beautiful xxx"

"Christy you amaze me! I'm so proud of you, I am constantly telling people about MY FRIEND who has CHOSEN to be so committed to her health, all with 3 little ones (one of them VERY little). I don't even have the words to tell you how inspiring you are. You are so very deserving of this. Loads of love xoxo"

"Christy you TRULY are an amazing person! Your dedication and determination to be better version of yourself both for you and your family is ABSOLUTELY inspiring. You're a beautiful person with a heart of gold....enjoy being spoilt xxxxxx"

"You are such an amazing inspiration to me. You are so strong and brave and so committed. Your a bright star amongst the dull and I am so lucky to know you!! ENJOY the money and get yourself whatever you need or want without having to budget. YOU deserve this!!"

"Christy I think you're pretty frigen amazing. What you have done is amazing and so incredibly inspirational. I look at you and I kinda just wanna trip you over some times, mainly because you can wear skinny jeans and I can't.... but the other times, when I don't wanna hurt you, I'm so proud!!!
Love you like a fat kid loves cake!! mwah ha ha ha ha. ♥ ♥ ♥"

"So proud and happy for you Christy! Hope you get yourself a lovely pram and continue to inspire us on your weight loss journey :)"

"Christy - where do I start ! You are such an amazing woman, mother , wife, friend, colleague, sister, daughter and so such more . Constantly putting the needs of others ahead of yourself. You have inspired so many people with your commitment and hard work. I watched your journey daily and if ever I felt like complaining that I was tired, I would think of you and how much you had on your plate - yet never did you complain ! You inspired me and I even lost 8kg in 6 wks !!! The pram comp has just highlighted how amazing we all think you are and given us the opportunity to put that into action in the form of a few dollars. A small token of our love and admiration for you ! Enjoy every second of this gift, accept it without a second thought or an ounce of guilt because you truly deserve it. Much love to you miss C xxxx"

"Christy, i have been sitting here for an hour trying to find the words to tell you how much of an inspiration you are but you are too inspirational for words :). what you have achieved in a few short months is nothing short of amazing, you are a fantastic, beautiful, courageous woman who has inspired me to get off my butt and get healthy and walk my dogs more (they thank you with big sloppy licks :P ) i truely feel blessed to have such an awesome, amazing, beautiful, brave, awe inspiring friend. spoil yourself xxx"

"Christy - thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. You have shown me that it isn't too hard and that it is possible to make the change and for that I thank you. Not many people could inspire me to get up and jfdi! Love you. xoxo"

"Christy - you are not only an inspiration to me in your weightloss journey but also as a mother, wife, friend etc. your dedication, perserverance and determination are simply amazing and you well and truly deserve the incredible results you have worked so hard for. I know that you are and will continue to be an excellent role model for myself, your beautiful children and husband and so many other people that you have touched. I am so lucky to be able to call you a friend. p.s. i think you should be hitting Michelle Bridges up for royalty fees with the amount of people you have inspired to join! ♥ xoxo"

"Christy, you have been such an inspiration to me, and it made my day when i heard I helped you as well. You have always been so giving, supportive and selfless, even all those years ago in high school! I only wished you lived closer so we could go running together! Well done on 30kg healthier. Xxx"

"Christy - I feel so PRIVILEGED to not only know you but to be able to call you a friend!! You seriously are such a kind hearted, beautiful person. Your weightloss has been such an inspiration due to not only the physical loss but the mental strength you have shown. There have been so many things and hurdles you could have used as excuses like the rest of us would and have, but nope, not you! Love to you and I hope you have a blast and feel as special as you should feel treating yourself to a much deserved treat ♥ ♥"

"I think of you when I'm out walking or at Bootcamp. Christy can, so can I! No excuses."

"You're not just my sister, you are my friend :) xxx keep up the great job you are doing!"

"Christy.
Blessed to have met u.
Blessed to b part of your families life.
Blessed that u r part of my families life.
Blessed to call u my friend.
Blessed that I will call u my friend always.
I'm so proud of u!
This gift is yours. B selfish for possibly the first time in your life.
I love u.
Lovelove"

"You truly deserve this Christy, your hard work and determination is so inspiring xoxo"

"Christy your achievements are absolutely inspirational. To have lost all of the weight that you have, to have done it with three kids including Levi who hasn't been settled for most of your journey. I am constantly amazed at how dedicated you are, particularly when I see photos of you walking up Castle Hill at some ungodly hour of a wet and cold morning! YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION I am so glad that I can count you as one of my friends."

"Christy you are truly amazing, you have inspired me to do the 12wk challenge this round. You look great and hope you enjoy this little token of love from us all ♥"

"Christy, you are an amazing woman, mummy and wife. You have done such a wonderful thing for yourself and your family and you inspire me to be a healthier and better mummy. You deserve this lovely!"

"Christy, any person who loses 30kgs is amazing, but someone who does it with 3 kids, including a sleep resistant bub is truly beyond amazing. You have not only given yourself a better life but are a wonderful role model to your kids, and an inspiration to us all. Your determination, persistence and sheer will power even when the craving for chocolate hits, is nothing short of awe inspiring. You so deserve all of this xx"

"Good work on the 30kg weight loss christy! Seeing your hard work and determination on fb has been inspiring and you certainly deserve this gift. Can't wait to see how you spend it, lots of love x"

"Christy- you have been one of the major reasons to motivate me to do something about becoming healthier, fitter. Xo"

"Christy the amount of courage and strength you show every morning you wake up is inspirational. As a mum to 3 as well I look at what you have achieved in awe! I feel very grateful to have met you (well sort of met ;-)) and one day when I've finally got my butt into gear I will use you as my inspiration and think if you've done what you've done surely I can too. Bug hugs xxxx"

"Christy, plain and simple, you've kept me alive. When I hit rock bottom, without fail you picked me back up. You been an amazing source of strength and inspiration to me...I would be lost without you. You are amazing."

"2 x 15kg bags of concrete, 15 string bags of oranges, or probably all 3 of your kids put together is what you have lost, most of us couldn't carry 30kgs and you have worked so hard day in day out to lose it. You are an absolute inspiration to mums everywhere - congratulations. Xxxxx"

"♥ congratulations on reaching your 30kg milestone! I'm so so proud of you. Thank you so much for your support, encouragement and words of wisdom - you are truly inspirational xxx"

"I guess this is the proof of how much of an inspiration you really are to all of us. I'm so proud to call you my friend x"      

All in all, this has been a beautiful week of being spoilt by my friends. Soon I will have a new pram and have planned an awesome shopping trip down in Brisbane in 10 days time! I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for! I am just blown away! 

Surprised!

It has come to my attention today just how much of a difference sharing my journey has made to others. Friends have been motivated to start their own health journey, others are getting out and moving. I feel a bit awed by how much a human being can be motivated by others actions. I do it myself. I see someone a little (or a lot!) further along on their journey, be it fitness, physical challenges, weight loss or whatever and it spurs me along knowing that someone else has been where I am and has persevered to reach their goals. That means I can do it too! The thing is, the encouragement I have received from the very people I have been inspiring throughout the last 7 months is what has spurred me on. What a beautiful cycle that is. I am encouraged, so I achieve more. My achievements inspire others so they encourage me again and then I achieve more and my achievements inspire others. And on and on it goes. 

So if you're reading this today, ask yourself the question: How can this play out in my life? Your goals/dreams/passions may not be fitness/health related but whatever they are, pursue them your all, for your very actions WILL inspire others! 

Size 10 Skinny Jeans!!!

WOOOOHOOOOOO!!! I went shopping a couple of days ago, money in hand, in search of some new clothes. Clothes that actually fit. Not having anything to wear is a nice problem to have, but needing clothes to go out in public is necessary! I managed to pick up a few bargains but what I was really searching for was a pair of black skinny jeans. A must for any girls wardrobe. 

I went into Jeans West, hoping I'd have some luck. The girl in there was like a jeans guru. She knew everything there was to know about jeans. I tried on about 5 pairs but was having no luck. They were either too big, too small, too loose in the legs but tight in the waist or vise-versa! She was troubled! Then she said, "Hang on!" and scurried away. She came back with a pair of SIZE 10 black jeans. I look at her incredulously and emphatically stated, "They are not going to fit me!" But like the all-knowing guru she was, she just gently said, "Just try them." And walked away. So I did. I put on these jeans and THEY FIT ME!!!! SIZE 10!!! And to think I was a size 20 only 7 months ago! 

So here's the photo (taken by my beautiful 4 year old daughter Amelie!)

 

STOKED!

Absolutely stoked with this week's weight loss!!! 1.4kg!!! It's been a while since I've seen that number on the scales and it's certainly up there with spurring me on. My eating and exercise has been a bit lax this week too with working at the V8's but clearly my metabolism is in my favour now that it's kicking along nicely. Down to 68kg now, with 2kg left to go until I reach my original goal of 66kg. It's soooo close I can smell it!

Triathlon Training

Talk about a challenge. Sheesh! This swimming gig is tough. I just managed to do 12 laps of the Long Tan pool and it nearly killed me! I did some as drills, some normal freestyle, some with a kick board, some with flippers and on it goes. BUT I got in the pool, I swam and I was stuffed at the end so that's the idea right?! I figure even if my technique isn't great, I'll still get more 'swim fit' and will be able to swim a further distance each time. I rode to the pool today, did the 45 minutes odd of swimming then did a 14km bike ride. It was good. My legs were a little jelly afterwards but it was good to do that back to back training in preparation for the triathlon. I was thinking of doing a few km's on the treadmill when I got home but I needed to eat, low blood sugar. Didn't think it would be a good idea to pass out when I'm home by myself! 

Anyways, the bar has been set. I need to try and get in 4 days of swim training each week. Just under 11 weeks to go! Terrified!

First 10K Run!

I did it! I ran 10 kilometres! I completed it in 1:06:27 with about 95% running and a few 1 minute walks thrown in. I am feeling so invigorated that I could achieve this, just 6 months after starting this journey of having a healthier life. In December I started the Ease into 5k app on my phone, which begins with run intervals of 45 seconds. It's safe to say at the end of those 45 seconds I thought I was going to die! But slowly, and steadily as I ran more, the time I could run for increased to 3 minutes at a time, then 6 minutes and so on. This type of interval training is a brilliant way to gradually build up fitness, whilst still challenging you (and your mind!). So bring on the 10K Fun Run in just over 4 weeks time. By then I'll be running the entire thing and in much better time! And after that, it's triathlon time and next year I'm looking forward to doing my first half marathon!

 

Big Morning!

Well the alarm was set for 3.50am this morning! I dragged myself up, fed Levi and was out the door by 4.10am. I met Erin at the bottom of Castle Hill and we were off! It was very dark and we were the first ones heading up. Definitely made it up in my best time of 28 minutes and we jogged down for a total time of 52 minutes! Rapt with that! 

We left the hill to go to the week 4 milestone challenge with the Townsville 12wbt Crew. Beach Bootcamp! It was so much fun! Digging, hauling sandbags, shuttle runs and sand castle building. It was great to work out with a fabulous bunch of people, all there for the same reasons.

New PB!

It was a beautiful, overcast and cool afternoon yesterday, so what better time than to go for a run. I had another crack at the Dianella/Goat Track up Castle Hill yesterday, as my 1 month goal is to complete this in under 50 minutes. My time last Saturday was 58:15. Yesterday was 54:40!!! Around 3.5 minutes off. I'm not sure where exactly I picked up that time, I think my general run speed was faster and I really pushed the last 1km. Feeling a bit sore today! 

I'm still struggling a fair bit with food but happy with my exercise regime and am maintaining steadily at 69kg which I'm very happy with. 

Nothing quite like a sweaty beetroot face to show for your hard work! Now to hit the swimming hard this week! Off to buy some swimmers today!

Binge, Binge, Binge

Ok. Time to be frank. I am NOT in a good headspace. This week has just been an absolute trainwreck. Yes, I've had some wins. I'm physically feeling strong, I can see amazing changes in my fitness and muscle tone. And I love it. On the other side of the coin is just this constant eating. I've been starting out the day great - healthy breakfast, lunch and morning snack but after than it's gone downhill quickly. Yesterday I managed to consume almost double my calorie intake for the day, ended with an overconsumption of 1400 calories.

So my question is, why now? Why after 6 months of the disciple of early morning training and healthy eating am I turning back to this addiction to food? I feel like I have no control. I feel ashamed and like I'm letting myself and others down. When I look at my before and after shots I'm amazing by what I have achieved and I love how much healthier I feel. I love when people say how good I look. I love when my husband compliments me and says how beautiful I am. I love that my kids giggle cos my clothes are too big. I love being able to bring loads of groceries up the stairs and not be out of breath. I love that I can run around with my children and outrun them!

So it's time. Time to suck it up. Time to say no, even though nothing in me wants to continue. It's when the going gets tough that I show my true colours. I WILL not give up just because it's hard. At the end of the day, it's just chocolate. It's just sugary/salty rubbish that will leave me unsatisfied, with a horrible food hangover. Nothing can beat the feeling of satisfaction from exercising self-control and treating myself with respect. Nothing.

Confession Time

Today hasn't been going so well. After yesterday's saga of a Monday, I had high hopes that today would be better. I should have stayed in bed. Days like yesterday remind me of my emotional relationship with food and my reliance on it as a coping mechanism. All day I fought with myself not to eat a pile of chocolate and for the most part I won. Today presented me with new challenges.

Levi had a rough night, he's got a horrible cold and was awake for hours and very unsettled. (You can almost hear the excuses coming can't you?) So not feeling the greatest myself this morning I decided to keep myself and Levi home from work/kindy, spending the day recouping at home. After eating some healthy porridge for breakfast and dropping the girls at kindy, I came unstuck. All my drive and determination for my weigh in tomorrow dissolved, leaving in its wake the strong but pathetic desire for anything that wasn't in my meal plan. I replaced my ham, cheese and avocado toastie for lunch with a microwave chocolate cake in a mug. I followed this with 1/3 of a block of chocolate. Nutritious lunch? I think not. Do you think I stopped there? No. It was at this point that I becsme frustrated with myself, but in that mindset where I justified any future bad decisions by the fact that I'd already royally stuffed up my eating for the day. I continued into the afternoon, eating and eating. And here I am. Writing this blog. Feeling positively ill. Have I learnt my lesson? Perhaps for today.

You know what the awesome thing is though? I know that tomorrow is a new day. I know that my goals remain true. I know that I'm stronger than I think. And I know that I am determined and that my will is stronger than my emotions. I just have to exercise it.

Struggle Street

Oh man today has been tough. It started like any other. Then went downhill. Quickly. My daughter, whom I will refer to as Sweetpea, has a cough. This cough has kept her awake for a few nights now, leading to lack of sleep, and we have been treating with cough medicine. Note to self. Cough medicine makes Sweetpea go loopy! Anyway, all that to say that I would be having more success today if I just sat in the corner banging my head against the wall. Have been craving sugar/chocolate so badly today, which I know is just an emotional response but it's so hard to overcome. I succumbed and had some dark chocolate melts (cooking chocolate - did I mention I was desperate?!) but it did little to satiate my appetite for Cadbury. Due to the fact that the kids are in bed and that I would need to drag them all to the shop to buy chocolate, I ended up making some vitaweets with hummus. The craving for chocolate is gone :) Yes it would be nice to have some but my body isn't wreaking havoc on my mind like it was.

So healthy choices win again. And I feel better for it.

Goal Setting Time

Weight Loss & Measurement Goals (by end of August)

1. Lose 5kg

I'm currently 3.8kg away from my initial goal of 66kg but I'm determined to get to 64kg as I believe this will be the ideal weight for me within my healthy weight range.

2. Lose 5cm from my hips

I'm finally starting to see some movement in my problem areas - hips and stomach. I want this 5cm GONE!

3. Move completely into size 12 clothing.

I'm currently wearing a couple of pairs of size 12 pants, jeans and tops but mainly still in size 14. I want to say goodbye to size 14!

Fitness Goals: 1 month

4.  Swim 200m non-stop 

Begin swim training three days each week for 45 minutes

5. Complete the Dianella Track/Cutheringa Track run in 50 minutes.

Current PB is 58m45s. I can cut this time by doing the uphill run non-stop and faster and increasing my run speed around the bottom of the hill.

Fitness Goals: 2 months

6. Complete the 10km Townsville Airport Fun Run on 5th August

7. Swim 400m non-stop

Fitness Goals: 3 months

8. Swim 600m non-stop

9. Complete the SportsMed Triathlon Enticer (400m/12km/4km) on 15 September.

Erin the legend!

Wow! What a challenging session we had at Spartan tonight! Arms, back and core. My muscles are still quivering from the onslaught!

I train alongside this incredible woman, Erin, who challenges and encourages me so much. She's impossible to keep up with but I try! At 47 years old, she's the picture of health, fitness and vitality I will strive for as I get older. Shes got guns of steel and a heart of gold.

Back in the sixties!!!

I woke this morning a little nervous about my weekly Wednesday weigh in. I've been sitting between 70.5 and 72.5 for about a month due to holidays, visitors, eating heaps and drinking a little too much wine. BUT this week, I sucked it up, determined to get under 70kg. My nutrition still has a little way to go, but was definitely better than it has been and I nailed the exercise for the week. Trips up Mount Stuart, Castle Hill and Spartan have definitely been paying off!

And the results are in! I had a 500g loss and am under 70. Weighed in at 69.8kg! I'm so rapt!

Onwards and upwards!

Lessons

Had a mammoth day training yesterday. Levi woke early so I decided to head up Castle Hill before going to Spartan. So glad I did! It was a beautiful morning! Levi snored the whole way up. Quickly raced home after to drop Levi off and get the girls breakfast before heading off to Spartan. Brad absolutely smashed us! I think my heart was about to explode out of my chest as I did the circuit, but it was so worth it! 1109 calories burnt for the day!

My big breakthrough for the day was heading down to the strand with the kids to meet some friends for a play and dinner. I knew we'd be getting fish n chips and for the first time I actually made the better choice, went in prepared and it paid off! I packed a salad from home, plenty of fruit for the kids and some crackers and hummus for myself. When it came time for dinner I just order grilled fish and wait for it, NO CHIPS! It was hard in that moment not to but as I was eating my salad and fish, it was so delicious, I felt fulfilled after my meal and the best thing is, no guilt!

I've been catching myself out on some excuses lately. The main one is justifying bad food choices by saying, "That's just real life, things come up". For example, having friends visiting and going out to dinner and eating food that's not good for me when I could easily eat at the same restaurant and make a healthy choice. Yes, it is 'real life' to go out for dinner, and even eat gelati for dessert, but moderation and being in control are crucial in these situations. Letting things blow out of control and just going nuts eating everything in sight is not doing myself any favours. Toby and I took the kids to Fasta Pasta the other night as I won a $50 voucher from a local radio station. The kids were rapt as they're favourite food is pasta. I'll admit that I was drooling at the thought of eating a delicious plate of pasta, and I had all intentions of ordering an entree size. We got there and I order a main size pasta (which was delicious I might add!), ate a heap of the free bread with butter that they keep bringing out, and absolutely gorged myself. The pleasure I felt in the moment of eating was quickly replaced by feeling so ill from overeating, and abusing my body. So many people say to me that it's okay to go out for dinner and enjoy it. I wholeheartedly agree. My problem however is the emotional attachment I have with food, to gorge myself beyond what my body needs or wants. This isn't okay. I WILL learn how to go out to dinner and eat just the right amount and enjoy every morsel and walk away feeling proud. These are all good lessons learned. The very next day after the pasta incident, was the day I chose grilled fish over deep fried fish and chips. I am a work in progress.

Before and After

Please excuse the undies shot, but this is what reality looks like and there's no going back! 

26.2kg gone forever!

Memories

This morning I was walking up Castle Hill, with Levi in the carrier on my back. I realised that I should have started a blog 5 months ago when I began this journey of becoming healthier, fitter and stronger for my kids to read when they're older, and to re-live the memories for myself. So today it starts. My blog.

A week after giving birth to Levi, I weighed myself. The number on the scales read 96.6kg. I wasn't surprised but I also knew that this needed to be the last time I read that number on the scales. Fast forward a few weeks and we have Boxing Day. The first day of my monumental decision to get my health back, and the health of my family.  I signed up the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation (12wbt). I started exercising and burning 500 calories a day and eating 1700 calories a day (allowing for breastfeeding). The weight began to fall off, I made some fabulous new friends through the Townsville Crew of the 12wbt and pressed on. By the start of the official 1st Round of the 12wbt I had lost 10kg. This spurred me forward. The following 12 weeks resulted in me losing another 13kg by mid-May. Today my weightloss stands at 26.2kg in 5 months. I feel like I've got my life back.

Levi has been with me along this journey the past 5 months, in the pram whilst I walk and run, in the carrier on my jaunts up the Hill, early morning workouts with friends and 4am strolls when he just won't sleep.On my walk this morning, I was struck by how precious these mornings with him are, and how quickly he will grow and this season will be over.

I plan to live a long, healthy life with my husband and kids. No going back.